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Tuesday, July 19th, 2011

Time:12:11 am.
I need an adventure. I envy people who can just pick up and move. Just get up and go. Those people are so brave to me. I've been going through that usual funk where I feel like nothing is moving in my life. Not spiritually, although, that could definitely use a bit of a boost. It's more just that I feel like what more can I do at work? What more can I do in my personal life from where I am at this time. I feel like I've met everyone that I will ever meet in my life that will have any sort of impact on my life and I know that if I were to be so bold as to just leave, I will encounter others. I will see a whole other world that is out there just waiting for me to find it.

life can be the greatest adventure. 
Comments: dancing through life?

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Time:1:11 am.
When, you know?  When does it come to pass? When can I look back and say, "wow, it really did happen"? I think that the toughest part is the looking at friendships and thinking, "this one's it, it has to be" and then BAM! I realize it's not. Mixed signals, yet again. Empty flirtations, again. You are never going to be their type. Almost 30 years old... ummmm, how the hell did that happen? why have I just let the last 10 years just go by without doing anything? Making myself better? so yeah, I am annoyed. extremely annoyed. I'm annoyed with myself, I'm annoyed with life, I'm annoyed with guys who think they can just flirt and make me feel special to just pull it back when they realize that I was starting to turn it into something they never really wanted it to be. My goodness, are they really that dense?! I mean... ugh! I tell you that you make me smile... you tell me that I do the same for you and when I ask for clarification, you make darn sure that I know its strictly platonic. I can't do this anymore. I mean, the greatest thing I fear is never feeling loved. Never having someone who couldn't stand it if I wasn't in his life. Is that REALLY that much to ask for? I mean, I have spent SO much time focusing on myself and trying to make my walk stronger and being content with what I have and just know that He wants to give me what I want... but I just can't do it anymore. I mean, really... too hard. way too hard. to know that there is a HUGE chance that I'll never feel that. that I'll never be someone's everything, then what's the point, right? Cuz I have so much more to give the world, right? RIGHT.... because I am doing so much for it right now...

Alone at the pity party, yet again. I don't want to turn 30 without knowing that someone is interested. I don't know if I could handle it. It'll feel like the biggest failure of my life, even more than moving back home to my parents to live in a half room. 

I just need a vacation. for real. 

I'm so confused...
Comments: dancing through life?

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Subject:best experience ever
Time:6:48 pm.
Mood: grateful.

So, I have had the best moment of my life! On Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 I sang the National Anthem at the Anaheim Ducks game. There really aren't any words to describe what I felt. The journey has been long and many times between finding out that I won the contest and the actual moment, I considered telling them that I couldn't do it after all. I was SO scared.

My support system was the only thing that kept me going. My family and friends excitement trumped my own by far! There was no way I'd let them down. I sucked it up and tried to force myself to focus on the amazing opportunity that was placed in front of me. God's blessings are beyond our understanding. It reminded me of the time that I had the opportunity to sing the National Anthem before an assembly my Senior year and just could NOT bring myself to say yes. I was too scared, too inexperienced. i had to remind myself that got gives us all we need for such a time as this. He never allows us to go through things that we cannot handle. whether good or bad.

He truly knows what he is doing. He had a plan for this to happen. The only thing that made me upset about the experience was that there was a person who was not there to witness it. I grabbed his shirt before I left the house. I had it with me throughout the rehearsal time and moments before I stepped into the tunnel to wait for my time to walk on the ice, I grabbed it, hugged it, smelled it and felt him there. I knew that he would be the most proud of me had he been there.

It makes me cry to think about how this HUGE event, this moment that was honestly amazing beyond all comprehension, still felt a little incomplete. It was like putting together a 5,000 piece puzzle only to find that your missing one last piece. You can see the picture completely, you know what the final thing should look like, you might even be able to enjoy it with the other 4,999 pieces, but you will ALWAYS be missing one. I'll NEVER not miss him. He was on all of our minds. Every single one of ours. Not a single person in my family did not think of how he would have been the most proud, the most excited, the one to brag the most. I only hope that he was looking down on me in that moment, smiling.

I miss you, grandpa. I love you so much and I know that you are up there bragging about me to everyone else. You always were my biggest fan!

Comments: dancing through life?

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

Time:10:55 pm.
Mood: crushed.

He's dying. He's dying and there's nothing I can do about it. He lies there with an oxygen tank not able to fully fall asleep because he stops breathing and it wakes him up. He's so frail. He's so small. He's not the strong man I knew. He's not the man that would help me no matter what. He's not the amazing man that taught me everything I believe about my family and the importance of them. The man that showed me that its ok to mess up but never ok to quit.

I'm losing him. He's fading. Seeing the DNR signed by my grandma and realizing that they've made preparations is so scary to me. It's so surreal that it's actually here. It's going to happen. After all of these years. After watching him fade and watching the man I knew disappear, it's really going to happen.

I always knew it would. I did. I thought I was preparing myself, but seeing it happen tonight, seeing him fade even further than I ever thought possible, it's not something I'm ready for. I want it to go away. I want him to be himself.

Comments: dancing through life?

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Time:12:02 pm.
Mood: tired.
So the first show is tonight... CRAZY!!! I can't believe I actually stuck around this year! Its been fun.... mostly. Jonelle and I have done all we could to make it fun. Mostly just sat around and complained/talked about all the people in the show! HAHA

Our story is decent, but really funny. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone's reaction to it. So far its been very well received.

We had our dress rehearsal last night. My goodness! That night lasted FOREVER!!! I didn't get to sleep until after 2! Then I had to wake up and get to an 830 Screamin' Training shift! NO SLEEP!!!

I'm literally just trying to find ways right now to kill the time while my trainees do their computer based training. TIRED!!!
Comments: dancing through life?

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

Time:1:39 pm.
Mood: sad.
Happy Single Awareness Day...

That's right, its Valentine's Day. A year ago today, I was shopping and getting my hair done for a fun night out with friends, including the guy I liked. This year I am working, and dreading the fact that I gotta head to my parents tonight to tell them that I basically need almost $1,000 to cover my rent. I don't know what made me think that I'd be able to survive life on my own. I've never been very responsible when it came to money, I'm always had issues. I'm sad. I'd rather be planning a night in a jazz club like last year...

Ah, last year. Early February was good. I was smitten and had only him on my mind. We were hanging out a lot and it looked promising. A lot can happen in a year... I can't stand his girlfriend. Mostly because she was my friend that I chose to confide in about how I felt about him. But even knowing all that, she still went ahead and went out with him. That doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Its almost been a year. Zach's anniversary is coming up. It doesn't feel like a year, it feels like yesterday. I remember the pain I felt and just how sad I was for so long. It still hurts, and it still doesn't make sense, but I know that God's got a plan. I may not see it or understand it, but I have faith that its going to work out for the good.

Comments: dancing through life?

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Subject:missing someone...
Time:10:20 am.
Mood: sad.
Have you ever missed someone that was still around?

Its a strange thing, really, I could be sitting next to him, talking to him, giving him a kiss on the forehead and yet know that its not him. I stare into his eyes and don't see that strong man that wanted nothing more for me but to succeed and live a happy life. He knew it was possible, if anyone knew that going to school and finishing although it was hard and seemed impossible, it really was a task that could be completed, it was him.

It makes me wanna jump in my car and head out to see him, but really, I know that that wouldn't fill this feeling of truly missing him. It might make me miss him even more. Sometimes staring at him wondering what is going through his mind, or really, what we'd be doing if he wasn't confined to his bed, makes me ache just that much more because I long for my grandpa to make me gypsy-fried eggs one more time. To tell us that he doesn't want anything when we make a food run, and then eat off of all our plates when we get back. I wanna see him go into the fridge and fill a mug with milk and then grab a piece of bread and dunk it in there. I long for my grandpa.
Comments: dancing through life?

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Subject:just cuz...
Time:2:29 am.
Mood: accomplished.
Comments: dancing through life?

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Subject:I'm a nerd!
Time:4:59 pm.
Mood: aggravated.

I did it once again, I was updating and totally just clicked on my inbox and lost EVERYTHING I had written!!!

Well, I guess I will just say this: I've decided to go friends only. Nothing's happened to make me feel like I absolutely have to do this, I just realized that I put a lot of personal thoughts on here, and I just don't want the wrong people reading it. That's all.

Comments: 1 dancer - dancing through life?

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

Subject:power outage...
Time:2:06 am.
Mood: calm.
I was seriously going through withdrawals when lj was down. I was scared...ok, not really, but I did miss it a lot!
Comments: dancing through life?

Sunday, January 2nd, 2005

Subject:Quick update...
Time:3:03 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.

So, it's a new year. Wow, I know it is sucha cliche to say this, but last year went by REALLY fast. Here's my reflection of last year...a lot of bad, but really truly, a lot more good:


Graduated from Citrus Community College.

Made a really good friend during one of the lamest Guest Control shifts ever.

Found out that my grandpa has Alzheimer's.

My grandma in Texas had a stroke.

Fell WAY into debt.

Found a way out of debt...requires a lot of time, but still a way out.

Got a get out of debt free card...well, the promise of one!

Learned another pretty cool attraction.

Fell in and out of "like" with someone who then was with a "stick."

Became Trainer for the attraction that I started on.

Quit working with some of the coolest kids ever...they were on their way to kindergarten anyway.

Let God work in me on a LOT of things that I didn't realize I was still holding onto. I think that was and is the most important one to me. I mean, when all the other crap is going on, I know that If I hold fast to Him and his promises, then all will work itself out. Like Pastor prayed over me today, I need to stop trying to stand in the gap for my family now. God is the gap...He'll take care of it.

Lost one of my best friends, and all because she wants to go against what she knows is right...not much I can do for her now.

Well, I gotta go get ready for work now. I will post a real update soon. I promise. That's enough of my reflecting.

See y'all. Wow, I need to go to Texas and see my grandma. I can't believe I wrote "y'all"

Comments: 5 dancers - dancing through life?

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

Time:10:21 am.
Mood: happy.
Comments: 1 dancer - dancing through life?

Friday, December 24th, 2004

Subject:Lesson learned: Trust in God
Time:4:00 pm.
Mood: content.

So, it's Christmas, and what would Christmas be without a little sadness, right? I'll tell you what it would be...the best freakin' Christmas EVER! I am so not getting my hopes up about any gifts, because I know what my parents are getting me...a get out of debt free card!!! lol They are taking care of my credit card debt. So, I know that there aren't any other things coming my way, so no disappointment there.

I was sad yesterday, I have to admit that. I was just thinking about how here I am yet again, ALONE for Christmas, and of course, I am once again the FRIEND. I am not going into detail because...well, because I am over it all ready. I got really sad about a situation last night, and I was crying while in the theatre during my Dreams shift. But then I started to pray and ask God why I keep going down the same route. Why things don't change for me. And man did He answer me! He told me that I haven't called on him for it yet. All throughout my not wanting to get feelings for someone, I kept saying, "I" can't do that. "I" need to not go there. And He pointed out that I am a girl, I do want what all girls want, companionship. So, for me to think that I can just not develop feelings for someone that I think has almost EVERY thing I need in a guy, is ridiculous. Only He can handle something that hard. So, seriously, God had a nice talk with me last night. He just wants me to give Him everything. I can't help the way I feel, but He can. I can't help my self-esteem, but He can. He just seriously asked me if I was ready to give Him everything, and I am. I'm ready to wait patiently, and devote EVERYTHING in me to Him, even more so. It's time for Him to be my focus, not my lack of a relationship. *sigh* It was a good night. A lot of revelation.

Let's see, I need to actually update. Ok, Saturday was our outreach in Bakersfield, it went really well. We did five dances, and hadn't even had a chance to practice at all! That was good, going out there, and just being able to minister to everyone there.

Tuesday was the youth Christmas party, and it was a lot of fun! I had invited Eric, I think he had a good time. I love being around those kids, the girls especially. I don't know how I would've gotten through the whole Yolanda thing had I not started getting close to Dest and Charity and Court. I know they are quite a bit younger than me, but they are stronger in their faith, well, more seasoned, for lack of a better word. Anyways, yeah, I am glad that I am getting closer to them, Desiree too.

Well, I guess that is all, oh yeah! I found out on Wednesday that Destiny went to school with Troy, one of my Boomer leads, and my mentor. That is so funny. She was a freshman when he was a senior. I think that is so funny. It's crazy just how small the world really is!

Anyways, until next time...THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!!!

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. II Corinthians 4:7-12

Comments: 2 dancers - dancing through life?

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Subject:Thanks Rosanna!!!
Time:8:39 pm.
Mood: creative.

Well, thanks to the wonderful Rosanna, I can now make animated icons. Here are the two I have made the first is a Wicked one, and the other is a Josh Groban one that I took from a picture from the AMA's. He did a sketch about Snoop selling "special" brownies.


there they are, I'm proud of them!

Comments: 1 dancer - dancing through life?

Friday, December 17th, 2004

Time:3:52 am.
Mood: awake.
QUIZ_TIME!!!!Collapse )
Comments: dancing through life?

Thursday, December 16th, 2004

Time:1:46 am.
Mood: crazy.
Got new pictures, ok, took pictures from some website. I hope that I'll be able to make my own animated pics. I think I will with the help of pingmonstr . I like the ones I have. I made the Defy Gravity one. I wonder if they all show...I'll have to check that out. hmmm.
Comments: 2 dancers - dancing through life?

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004

Subject:need help!!!
Time:12:08 am.
Mood: hopeful.
ok guys, I need help. I want to learn how to make animated icons...HELP!!!!
Comments: 2 dancers - dancing through life?

Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

Time:10:47 pm.
Mood: blah.

Ok, let's see if I can get through this.

I've been feeling...well, kinda blah. This is gonna sound like I am fishing for praise or you know, compliments, or whatever, but I am not. I'm really not. I just feel like I don't have any real friends. Like, ok, I know I have a lot of people that I can hang out with and tell a lot of things to, and totally trust them, but if I were to fall off of the face of the earth, how many of those friends would search for me? If I were to wind up in the hospital, how many of them would worry about me? If I were to, and God forbid (I know He is protecting me), but if I were to die tomorrow, how many of them would cry? I can't imagine that all of them would, I can see maybe Jen crying, possibly Megan, and definitely my friends from church, but really, truly, I doubt any others would. I know this sounds like I am depressed, but I'm not. I don't sit around constantly thinking this way, it was seriously just a random thought the other day, and I wanted to make sure I put it in here. I might even just post this as private...haven't decided.

I was feeling a little down the other day, and then God knew EXACTLY what I needed...I saw Michael Lavau! He was in the park. For those of you not associated with Disney, Michael Lavau was a trainer on Maliboomer/Orange Stinger. He trained me there. Well, a few months ago, he went on medical leave. He went in to have prostate surgery, and then his kidney failed. He is waiting for a transplant that his son should be a candidate for. He is planning on getting it in the next month, and then plans on returning to work. His spirits are so high, he is such an amazing person. I just remember being so impressed with his kindness during training. He's still that same man. It just made me realize that there I was being all sad about not having "real" friends, and here is this man that has every right, according to the world, to be angry and down, and he just isn't. He walked away, and I just thought...Thank you God, You know exactly what we need and when we need it. I needed an example of someone that can withstand the worst attacks.

Tuesday was the Holiday Party for the CMs. GO TEAM MEGHAN! heh. There was a huge group of us. At one point, we had 30 people! It was a lot of fun. I caught up to the group when they were getting on Matterhorn. When we were getting on, I asked Alicia (not the stick), "CA Screamin', what?" and she responded with, "CA Screamin' rules!!! This ride sucks!" It was awesome! I asked, "Battle of the mountains, what?" She responded with something to the effect that Screamin' was going to win again. It was a lot of fun.

Well, I know that there is more that I could write, but I just don't feel like spending that kind of time right now. I'm sorry if that makes me sound like I'm depriving you guys, but let's be honest, none of you are on pins and needles waiting to hear about how my life has been going.


"...and if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free! To those who ground me, take a message back from me: Tell them how I am defying gravity! I'm flying high, defying gravity, and soon I'll match them in renown. And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me DOWN!!!!"
-Elphaba singing Defying Gravity in Wicked

Comments: 3 dancers - dancing through life?

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Time:12:20 am.
Mood: tired.
I haven't updated in a long time... not going to now.
Comments: 3 dancers - dancing through life?

Monday, December 6th, 2004

Time:11:58 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
old Wicked reviewCollapse )
Comments: 1 dancer - dancing through life?

LiveJournal for sassytinkrbell8.

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